how 'bout some cheese with that whine?

Because we all secretly wish we were sommeliers for a 5-star Michelin restaurant, we decided to head on over to Periscope Cellars for their "Wine Wednesdays".

It's another excuse for me to pretend I'm actually from Sonoma and that I know anything about wine tasting. Sure, I'm pretty sure you swirl the glass and look at the legs, then smell, then taste then to a thing where you smack your lips with your tongue as if your tasting. And last but not least, you mention that it's "oak-ey".

The tastings are gratis, which in this economy makes me a very happy whino. I recommend the Sangiovese because it's good and fun to say. And they had some wonderful cheeses, including some aged Monterey Jack from Vella Cheeses in Sonoma.

It's nice to change up your Happy Hour routine every once in a while. Especially to head to wineries that have $5 full glasses of wine paired with cheese and crackers.

And since Emeryville is thee hot spot of the Bay Area, this was probably the third time I've been filmed by a television crew in the past month. I'm not exactly sure which TV station it was, but hey, they asked us is they could film us. I doubt we'll be on television though because my group was having some pretty racy conversations. Not quite G material if you catch my drift.

No worries, though. We'll whine about it later. For now, it's all about the wine.

an apple a day

When I was a kid my grandfather had a business partner that worked for Mattel Co., so sometimes when he came over for dinner, he would bring a new toy that wasn't on the shelves yet. I got my second Cabbage Patch Doll from him - one with the "corn silk hair" instead of the regular yarn that passed for hair. I was one of the first people to get that doll, along with a cool Play Dough Factory set.

I'm not bragging. That was in like 1987, but I thought I was the shit back then. All my other first grade classmates had to figure out cool ways to do things with their funky smelling Play Dough - and that didn't include eating it.

Ever since then, I've been playing "keeping up with the Jones'". I'm materialistically insecure. It comes with being a total outsider in a wealthy upper-middle-class suburb.

As a shop-a-holic with an eye for the latest trends, and a B.F.A. in Fashion Merchandising that I don't happen to put to any use, I like the thrill of having something new. Having some thing new and being one of the firsts to have it is a conversation starter. I get a little chill whenever someone asks me what I'm wearing -even if it's a knock-off of a Marc Jacobs sweater.

This wacked-out mentality would explain the insanity that went into getting up early on Friday morning to stand in line for the new iPhone. I had been counting down for this since June 1st. And by the look of the line, so had everyone else.

I got to the Apple store in Emeryville by 7am, thinking that if I got there an hour before they opened their doors that I would have some sort of chance. NOT! The line wasn't around the block or anything drastic like that, but it was pretty damn long.

And just like I had imagined, I was surrounded by a bunch of Pixar dudes. You can't go anywhere in Emeryville without seeing Pixar guys. It's cool though, I happen to have a soft spot for animation geeks. Unlike the ones I rode in the elevator with at art school, these actually smelled like they'd taken a shower. Plus, I get the dirt from within the compound.

At 8am the line started moving and they started handing out water to compensate for the free Peet's Coffee they had already given us. It was obvious that they were trying to see who had the strongest bladder. And then a camera-crew came. As I was sending a text to one of my friends, I got a camera shoved in my face. "So, you're upgrading that phone?" I looked at the chick holding the camera. "Um, yeah." Duh. No, I just thought I'd get up two hours early to stand in line for two hours just for shits and giggles. "Who's the first person you're going to call on your new iPhone?" I shrugged, "My boss because I'm late for work." I was getting nervous and just wanted to have the camera move to one of the Pixar dudes. "What would you say to Steve Jobs?" Um . . . "good job, Jobs?" Hahahaha. LAAAAAAAAME!

Hey, in my defense I was half asleep, had to pee and was running incredibly late for work. I bounced at 9am for fear of losing my job and hence having no cash to pay for the damn phone/ipod. Had I stayed an extra hour, I might have gotten one.

But, being a glutton for punishment, I came back for seconds and then thirds. And I have yet to get one. It's ridiculous. I've turned into my worst pathetic nightmare.

I'm not the type who stands in line for anything. Now I know how the peasants of the Soviet Union felt while waiting in line for bread.

I've taken it as a sign. So, I have decided to wait out the frenzy and get my iPhone in a couple of weeks when I can afford it. Maybe I can get one next week, when I don't have to wait in line hearing people pass by shouting "Losers!" to all those standing there.

Sticks and stones.

i needed this

I've been thinking a lot about this sketch, where it has been, who it is with, is it thinking of me and will it ever return . . . okay, not really. But it did take me a while to find it on You Tube. That's okay though because I really don't have much of a life. I can sympathize Scott Thompson's French-Canadian whore somehow. Although I could give a fuck about where Tony is right now.