whopper of a virgin

So, ask anyone in advertising and they'll tell you that the Burger King account is the most creative and biggest account out there today. Personally, I hate the whole creative for this campaign because I find it incredibly sophomoric. It's like one of those fake commercials they do on Saturday Night Live . . . wait! Hold it. It is!

really?! wtf!

catching up

I love free stuff. Who doesn't? I still heart Pandora.com and it's free music-radio thing. But now I'm addicted to Fancast and Hulu. What are those, you may ask? Television. Yes, television on your computer. For free! Now, I can catch up on all the "Bones" episodes I've missed because I don't know what day it's on or "Medium" because it's on at the same time as "Trust Me." And best of all, right now I'm catching up on the Super Bowl commercials, without having to sit through the stupid football game and cheesy half-time show. Seriously, we all know the commercials are the best part.

And here are a few of my favorite ones:

hey, americanos don't have foam!

misadventures in grocery shopping

There is no chore I despise more than shopping for food. Give me a scum filled tub, a bacteria infested toilet bowl, let me dodge shady-looking dumpster divers while throwing out my trash - hell, I'd even prefer to clean a cat box than go to the supermarket on a weekend.

No matter how many lists, I write, I still always forget something. And then even if I go on a full stomach, I end up buying more than I need to. I was doing the Whole Foods thing for a while, but took a hiatus because of its urban name. I was obviously spending way more than any single person should ever spend on food.

Seriously, who needs pre-cleaned and chopped butternut squash? And a box of pomegranate seeds? Well, that's just lazy.

Having recently started Weight Watchers, I figured I'd go to a big-chain supermarket, to get some of the brand named goodies. Surely, that would be cheaper. What I found astonished me. Not only was my purchase $20 more than at Whole Foods, I bought nothing but processed non-organic foods that left me bloated and subsequently a pound heavier at weigh in that week.

Note to self: no more processed foods!

There is something to be said about the taste of air chilled chicken and grass-fed beef as opposed to their counterparts, frozen chicken and hormone induced beef which both have no flavor. The same goes for genetically engineered mutant tomatoes versus fresh-from-the-farm vine ripened ones.

And if you're thinking of telling me so, save it - Trader Joe's is no bueno. More processed frozen meals for lazy singles who end up spending way too much on frozen Ahi tuna steaks that will just make them sick. I'm speaking from experience, of course. I still end up spending much less than at the big box grocers like Walmart and FoodMaxx. Who needs that much food? So, here are the shopping tips I've come up with these last few years of trial and error:

1. Fresh is good. Doesn't have to be organic, if you're not into that -especially if you're worried about price. Think of it this way, the fresher it is, the more flavorful it is. That already means less salt and other seasonings needed.
2. 500 milligrams is the maximum sodium a person should ingest daily. Watch out for high sodium foods like canned soups and frozen meals that go above 250 mg.
3. Look for specials. I hate clipping coupons - but if I see something on sale that's similar to what I need I'll take that instead.
4. Ditto for private label brands (sorry, using fashion terminology). I always tend to go for Whole Food's 365 Brand as well as Target's brand. It's the same damn thing, probably even packaged by the same damn manufacturer.
5. 5.) Don't fall for BOGOs. Although these Buy One, Get One for half off items might sound like good deals, they're really not. It's just another way to get you to buy something you wouldn't normally purchase. Duh!
6. 6.) Don't go to a supermarket, or any market, drunk, stoned, tired, or hungry because you know you'll just want EVERYTHING. And I don't mean just a bag of Cheetos.
7. Unless you have a back problem, avoid the shopping cart. Stick to a basket. This way you only buy the things that fit in the cart. Plus, think of it as a good way to work your core and arm muscles.
8. 8.) Have a menu and a list planned out. This will help you get your shit together when you're in the store. If you can't decide what your menu for the whole week is just get staples and it will all come together.
9. Visualize your local market when you put this list together. A plan of attack usually works best. Know your battlefield and avoid the mines such as the candy and snack aisles. (Frozen foods too, for that matter.)I try to categorize my items by sections making a circle around the store. Think of it this way: all the staples such as breads, meats, dairy and produce can be found in the parameters of the market. The rest is all crap.
10. Keep it interesting. Shop more than once a month. Fresh is key. Hell, shop more than once a week at first, then you can cut it down to only once. I like to get all my staples once a week and make a few different items with them so that I'm never bored.

Happy shopping.

killer shoes

Oh, G.W. . . . looks like you're not as retarded as I thought you were. I still loathe you though.

simply perfect

I’d heard mixed reviews about Bakesale Betty’s signature fried chicken sandwich. Someone told me it wasn’t worth standing in a line that wrapped around Telegraph Avenue; others chided me for not having tried it yet. I must admit that after living in Oakland for nearly four years, I was slightly embarrassed at not having made the effort to try the sandwich.

The key to avoiding the massive lunchtime line is not arriving for the noon rush. There was still a cue when I arrived, but it moved quickly as the attentive staff seemed to almost guess what I needed. Fried chicken sandwich: Check. Add to that a freshly made pecan shortbread cookie and lemonade slushy. Seven bucks and change; I was good to go.

Heeding the warning of a colleague who made the mistake of taking his sandwich back to the office, I decided to stay put to enjoy the meal at its freshest. The restaurant doesn’t have any indoor seating. Heading outdoors to the colorful wooden ironing boards that line Telegraph Avenue sidewalk, it suddenly dawned on me that this was a perfect fall afternoon in Oakland. The sunlight was intensely bright in my eyes, but nothing could distract me from this sandwich. Even the street performer playing Neil Diamond’s greatest hits on his guitar could not distract me from enjoying this simple pleasure.

Some of the best foods are the simple ones that provide three component ingredients: sustenance, flavor and comfort. This seemingly simplistic sandwich, reminiscent of the New Orleans Po’ Boy because of the French roll it’s served in, is possibly one of the best chicken sandwiches I had ever devoured. (Yes, devoured. As in “Finger Lickin’ Good”.) Its “Southern” charm is definitely evident in the crispy and tender chicken. The subtlety of the spice hits you only when combined with the tangy cold slaw. Forget the poultry, the slaw is the main attraction. Crisp and full of flavor, it hits all the right notes with the help of cilantro, vinegar and pickled red onions – because everything tastes better with pickled red onions.

The only thing that could possibly distract me from enjoying my sandwich was a brain freeze from the lemonade slushy. Note to self: Enjoy with a PBR next time. The sandwich is huge, so I suggest bringing a friend to share it with if you’re going for lunch. I made the mistake of eating the entire thing myself. This sandwich is not something you want to eat a few hours later either. This meal was simply the best thing for this perfect fall day in Oakland.